With his commitments throughout the world I was doubtful that the great man would agree to visit Ardrossan Academy and the area of Ardrossan and Saltcoats. I was therefore pleased and delighted when he accepted my invitation to do an in depth study and analysis of the culture and economy of the area.
After his arrival we had a stroll along the promenade. The Great Man observed that an economic boost could be given to the area if a luxury hotel was built in an appropriate position along the front.
The measure of the man is I believe displayed by this, his first awesome idea, to boost the economy of the area. An artists impression of the hotel in situ is shown below. Select to view
The Professor’s other observations, ideas, statements, advice and conclusions on his stay in Ardrossan and Saltcoats will be shown on this site as his wonderful ideas evolve. We are indeed honoured to have the great man amongst us. He will guide and advise us in these difficult times.
Official Report by
Professor Bartholemew P. Brane B.Sc Hons, KSOB, Ph d. Litt. Ph d. Lang.
As a Professor of languages, culture and economics one always looks forward to visiting new areas and environs. This was especially true with one’s latest venture. Before commencing one’s sociological and economic research on any area and its environs, it is always wise to prepare oneself meticulously.
One has been informed by a learned friend that in spending time in these two towns by the sea one would be sampling a unique experience. An experience which would stamp itself indelibly upon one’s memory.
Normally one does not accept such an invitation unless a substantial fee is involved. However when my friend declared, ‘There is nothing like it in the rest of the world,’one could not wait to start.
One started by researching the history of the area. One noted the fact that this area has been a centre of tourism for many years. This fact whetted ones appetite even more and one looked forward to examining how tourists from around the world integrated with the local people.
One hopes that one of the outcomes of this dissertation will be to help tourists as well as newcomers to assimilate quickly and smoothly into the two towns environs.
Leaving Oxford University train station one studied the directions to Ardrossan in Scotland. Up until that moment one had scrutinised and had become an authority on cultures throughout the world but one had never chanced to go north of Oxford. One had heard of Scotland of course, but had never thought of paying the country a visit.
On receiving ones invitation from my esteemed friend and colleague, one travelled north. One arrived at a town called Glasgow. One had to find platform 2 for somewhere called Saltcoats.
One could hear heavy rain on Central Station’s roof. People with rain soaked clothes were arriving in the station. One had been warned about Scottish weather. However, one’s ear is always finely tuned to one’s vicinity for nuances of language.
It was very exciting to to hear new combinations of dialect. One young lady revealed
that the influence of the old Franco-
DIEU SI MA COTE?
Her partner pointed out that his coat was also far from dry. Then to one’s utter
astonishment he favoured to use the Silesian-
ACH MEIN GOTT SOAKT THROO
This was becoming very interesting. One’s ear was becoming adjusted to the many dialects on offer.
SKUMMIN !!!!
One immediately wheeled round and prepared to defend oneself. One had last heard
the fearsome Patagonian war cry while hiding in a ditch watching a war party running
past uttering their terrifying cry in rhythm with their loping stride-
However, there was no Patagonian war party. Two young damsels were conversing.
SKUMMIN DOONIN BUKITSOOT THARE
Her companion replied-
AYE, SFARE CHUCKIN ITDOON
One boarded the Saltcoats Express deep in thought.
Foreword by Mr Anderson
This web site would like to take this opportunity to thank my esteemed friend and famous colleague Professor P. Brane KSOB. Ph d. Litt. Ph d. Lang. B.Sc Hons. for supplying the following authoritative report. I would like to highlight the the Professor’s generous refusal to accept his usual huge stipend.
Professor Bartholomew P.Brane is based in Balliol College Oxford. He has travelled the world extensively for many years analysing different people’s cultures and environments.
He is a man of colossal intellect and also an economic and financial advisor to The Mutesa of Bugandi and the Kamrasi of Bunyoro. This is a man who has travelled indefatigably where few men before him have ventured.
He has reached the Himalayas in search of the Yeti and sailed upon the great lakes of the African interior. He is a friend and confidant of the Sultan of Bangipoor.
The Mutesa of Bugandi and the Kamrasi of Bunyoro are his familiars and have granted him exclusive rights to mining and trading in their kingdoms.
For his work he has been showered with awards from the great universities of the world. His field of expertise is languages and economics. He is proficient in 74 languages and 253 dialects.
He is a director and economic advisor to some of the great financial institutions
of the world including the World Bank, the Vanderbilt Corporation, the Rockefeller
Trust of New York and the Pierrepont -
